No offense to you rainy day lovers – there’s probably a lot of you. Don’t lash at me (everyone does) about the nice smell and the cool air and the dark skies… yeah, I personally don’t like that kind of weather. It’s exactly the smell and the cold and the clouds that I dislike, and I’d say the main reason is because they make me feel uncomfortable and depressed – mostly the darkness.
Now today is Friday (okay it was yesterday because I’m writing this at 12:30 am) but it was pouring. I don’t particularly hate Fridays, but they’re not my favorite days, although it is relieving to know it’s the last day of the week before the short weekend. Anyways, I was already kinda having negative feelings about myself (I will go into detail later in this post) and the setting I mentioned earlier just amplified those feelings and I almost started crying – actually I broke down when I got home. It probably sounds ridiculous, but I really am hating life right now. (AND DON’T WORRY I’M NOT GOING TO HURT MYSELF OR COMMIT SUICIDE, so don’t think about asking.)
This will probably sound like any other person you meet, but I feel useless. I feel like people don’t care about me, like the world could do without me existing. I have mentioned this before in another (probably multiple) post before this, but I notice things about people’s behavior around me – how they treat me, each other, fooling around, etc. I’m not trying to sound self-centered, but I’m one of those people who just has problems making friends and who gets really butthurt over it.
Typing this out really makes me sound like an attention-seeker, but I’m honestly not like that. I just want to find a friend who will support me but who also needs me in some situations. I have those friends, but after starting high school (even though we go to the same school), I feel as if I’ve been pulled away from them because of our different lunch periods
and social media. I’m missing out on so much just because of a single half-hour 5 days a week, but that time really does add up significantly. And please don’t just tell me to “make more friends” because that’s what I’m TRYING to do. And yes, I have made more friends, but nobody I feel close to, comfortable talking to about lots of things. Main reason being that the people I eat lunch with all knew each other before HS so I’m like “the outsider” and I don’t know anything about anyone.
But moving on to my friend group from middle school… It took me 3 years to become close friends with everyone
and it will probably take me another 3 years to become close with anyone but other people “the group” has just met became best friends in a matter of a few weeks. And I’m not against them or anything, but it just hurts that it took me so long to be “accepted” and now I feel like I’m being thrown out and replaced in a way. I can’t change my lunch period which would be ridiculous anyways for such a purpose and even if I did, they would just mock me for being so “shallow” that I would change my schedule. I also feel like they plan things and talk about things without including me and don’t care enough to enlighten me on what’s going on. “They’re not your real friends, then” you say? Well I still consider them my friends – close friends even – but I’m just not in that kind of position.
I practically feel like an outsider for everything, yet everyone else fits in so well and so quickly. I don’t WANT to have all the attention, but you know, it would be nice to have friends who actually care about my feelings and aren’t fake when they give you a slightly-concerned, “Oh, that sucks. If you need anything let me know,” and then act as if nothing really happened. I’m not one of those cool introvert people who does everything perfectly and doesn’t need anyone to support me. I’m only human, and I have feelings
that nobody thinks are important.
And this is what happens on rainy days. Yeah. Very depressing, I guess. I’m not asking you guys to sympathize or anything, this post is just to get it off of my mind and share if any of you feel like you can relate or join in on laughing at my misery. Okay, that was a bit unnecessary, sorry. There will probably be a few more posts like this because I’m “at that age…” (what adults say to me) that I get these feelings.
Hopefully I can just look back at this in the future and laugh (with joy).